adding to the thing about internet friends..

i fucking love nathen. god he's amazing. i posted the rant about my home life on devinatART. and within two minutes he messaged me asking if i was alright. <3 i just can't express how grateful i am for someone like him in my life.

behind the doors.

"you don't have it that bad"


i hate when people say that. they think i live a perfect life. when in reality i'm just amazing at faking a smile. it's scares me how good i've gotten at putting a smile on my face every morning and walking out the door like nothings wrong.


in reality i go home everyday to an abusive house. where my dad is an alcoholic and beats me. in a house where my mother smokes constantly never caring that i am allergic to smoke and can barely breathe. i live in a house where i have taken over the role of a mom to my two younger sisters. in a house where my word means nothing. whatever i say is assumed a lie. everyday i go home to a "family" that mental and emotionally abuses me. where i am told by my own mother that i should kill myself. because nobody would care. i am told on a daily basis that i pretty much fail at life. and my parents regret my existence.


everyday i have to live with the pain of knowing my family isn't really a family. i have known this for a quite a while now. i go to school and see yet another abuser in the halls. i see is face to try not to cry. i still can't be hugged without having flashbacks. i still don't trust people much because of him.


and everyday people see my smile and assume i'm alright. they don't question. they don't know what goes on behind the doors of my house. i cut them out from my mind. and don't know how i struggle almost everyday just to continue on living. 


i don't want to die. but i don't want to live either. 


so here i am. sitting in my basement. covered in new bruises from my father. covered in scars and cuts i've inflicted on myself to try to cope. coughing because there is no fresh air to breathe. tears cover my face because i've held on for so long. 


back to my beginning thought "you don't have it that bad" yes granted i do have parents and a house to live in. but in reality i'd rather be without those. because (not to pity myself) but yes i do have it bad. i live in fear every day. and have been abused in every way. i have it bad. you just don't realize i hide it all and pretend like nothings wrong. because it's easier. easier than telling people what's wrong just to have them say you don't have it that fucking bad. 


i need help. but no one ever sees through that fake smile of mine. no one ever notices me quickly falling apart. one day someone will. one day i'll be saved. 


one day..

are friends you meet on the internet real friends?

nathen kasey buchanan. i've never met him. he lives across the country in texas. but i love him. he is an amazing friend. he always knows what to say and can always make me laugh. honestly if people think that friends you meet on the internet aren't real friends. then i have no friends (okay a little over exaggerated. but i only have a few then..)


yes granted he is 20 something (i do know his actual age. i just don't feel like giving out too much of his personal info) but i'm super close with him. we talk about everything. besides for jeremy and zach nathen is my closest friend. and i really can't lose him. people view our friendship as creepy or unsafe. but there really isn't anything wrong about it.


we talk about our problems. we tell each other jokes. we tall each other little stories from the day. he's never done/said anything slightly creepy. he's never made me feel unsafe. infact he makes me laugh all the time. which is a GREAT feeling. because i rarely laugh these days. 


so is it really that bad that i have friends from the internet? when they seem to help me through more than most people who know me in real life. really? is it that bad?.. 

i cut my hair. :3

uhm so yea here are some pictures of how it looks. <3 

national day of silence.

so today was national day of silence. which is where student in the united states vow silence for one to take a stand against discrimination and bullying against lgbt teens. the silence is supposed to "echo" the silence that gay teens live in because they're are isolated from others because of their sexuality. along with to make a statement. it makes the student s at school think abut all the voice that aren't being heard. and it makes a stand against bullying. i for one am very proud to say that i took part in this act for other second year in a row now. and since the day isn't over i still am taking that vow of silence. 

in my opinion no one should EVER be discriminated because of who they love. i would like to give a shout out to anyone else who participated in the day of silence. it really means alot to since i have many friends who are bi gay and lesbian. we all thanks you and appreciate you taking a stand. <3 

national day of silence. take a stand. make a difference. what will YOU do to end the silence? 
[link]

so my ipod doesn't like to charge.

AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS SO THAT IT WILL. on the rare occasions i manage to get my damaged ipod to charge i literally duct tape th charger in place so that it will continue to charge.< 3

why?

you ask me why i'm so addicted to the internet. you think it's silly and childish. you think i need to spend more time with people in real life. you don't understand i can't. i really can't 


on the internet, my blogs, my social networks, my websites, i feel accepted. i feel loved, empowered, like i'm worth something. like i am important and that nothing can hurt me. like i am somebody. where in reality i am nobody. just wasting space. living life undetected. meaning nothing to anyone.. in reality people hurt me. never care about my feelings. walk all over my emotions. in reality nobody cares..


so yes i might spend too much time on the internet. but do you blame me? is it so wrong to want to be accepted? really i'm just addicted love. and the internet is the only place i feel any sort of love. the one place i am accepted. no matter what the people here will care. never judge. never hurt. so when you ask me why i'm addicted to the internet. can't you understand it's always there for me when people in reality fail.