do you blame me for feeling this way?

it's literally consuming my life. i can't think about anything else besides for it. even though it hurts more when i think about it. 

and when there are quiet moments alone i can still feel his arms around me. feel him kissing my neck. hear him telling me he loves me. and i can hear myself saying over and over "no." shaken my head and trying to escape his tight grip. 

that's what is constantly going through my head.. i torture myself by thinking about that moment. but i can't help it. it scarred me. and i'm desperately trying to find a way to fix myself. no matter what i do the pain never goes away.

i can't help but think "why me?" i don't understand what i ever did to deserve such an awful thing to happen to me. i don't understand why after everything awful this year. that this happened to me. 

i wonder.. is there hope? because at this point in time.. after the series of unfortunate events that i've experienced. what is left for this world to offer to me? 

because i'm honestly starting to think only bad things are ever going to happen to me. but do you blame me? i mean this entire school year has been one tragic event after another..

so far this year.. 

i've dealt with one of my closest friends going crazy and living in a fantasy world. she still is. now i'm slowly pushing her away because i can't deal with her insanity. along with that situation she keeps trying to be there for me. but at the same time only talks about her minor insignificant problems. or talks about how her and zach used to be..

i was lied to by my boyfriend. (well technically exboytoy now.) and it wasn't a little lie. it was about something very big and important. that one little lie caused many other problems. and made us fight nonstop for a good month. eventually ruining christmas for me. and i could ramble on about this specific topic. but i will stop myself..

now we get into the real problems.. someone who i've had issues with for awhile threatened me in school. and she's one of those people who ALWAYS plays the "victim card" and somehow ended turning the table on me. which got me suspended for three days. and i still have to avoid her at school. to this day i still start shaking when i think about it too much. this girl and that fight really caused emotional damage to me. and things started spiraling out of control after this.

bad event number four of the year. my uncle mark. (who i was extremely close with. he was practically a dad to me.) died from pancreatic cancer. after a long two years of battling with it. 

which now brings me to last week. the situation that is consuming my life.. after being stalked on and off for several months by a senior at my school. he SEXUALLY HARASSED/ABUSED me. worst part of it is he won't leave me alone. he's acting like nothing happened. and that we can still be friends. no wait the actual worst part is that because of him i am afraid of any human contact. i freakout when anyone tries to hug me. or even just taps my shoulder to get my attention. all i need right now is to be held closely by my boyfriend. but i know if he does it will only make me feel uncomfortable..

so tell me.. if all of that happened to you in just a few months. all overlapping each other. would you feel broken? would you feel hopeless? and like it seems like nothing good ever happens to me? would you blame me? 

i need help. because my life is breaking me. i'm so torn up by the pain that i'm incapable of thinking about anything else. 

my grades are quickly falling because at school i don't feel safe. and i don't do my homework because i'm either crying. cutting. burning. or trying to find some other way of taking away the pain. because whenever i try thinking about anything else. after only a few minutes my mind wanders back to the pain. it's so strong that it's taking over everything. 

i want to escape. get away from everything in my life. but i can't seem to find a way. so i wake up everyday. force a smile. and somehow find strength to make it through another day..