in the quiet moments alone.

i can still hear his voice.. 
..i can feel his arms around me. 

squeezing me tightly. every time i try to escape his grip he just holds me tighter and closer. 

i can feel him as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. i feel his breath on neck as he kisses it. he slowly moving up to kiss my head. 

he stops. and i think to myself "maybe he'll finally let go. and leave me alone."

but i'm wrong. he rests his head on mine. pulls me closer to his body. i struggle to get out of his arms. but it's no use. i'm trapped..

for minutes we just stand there. i'm unable to move because he's holding me so tightly. then slowly he loosens his grip a bit. he cocks his head at an angle and kisses my neck again. 

over and over he touches me. up and down my neck he kisses and bites it. i feel his harsh breath close to my ear. 

"i love you." he whispers. i hear myself scream "no. i hate you." 

he holds me closer again. the more i fight to get out of arms the tighter he holds me. 

i continually shake my head. yelling "no. let go of me. please. leave me alone. i hate you." 

his words haunt me.. i love you..

my eyes are squeezed tight. on the verge of tears. i can feel myself shaking. terrified of what he'll do next. 

at last he let's go. and walks away..

leaving me afraid. alone. and broken. 

because of him. i am scared of hugs. kisses. anytime someone touches me i lash out. even just a simple tap on the shoulder. anytime someone touches me i have a flashback. 

i hate him. he broke me. he's the reason i live in terror everyday. he's put me in this situation. 

why did this happen to me? i was only trying to help him. instead now i'm the one who needs help.. 

he came to me. suicidal. depressed. needing a friend. even though i never really wanted to be his friend. i helped him. i couldn't let someone in so much need be alone. 

i talked to him at night when he felt like his world was falling apart. i talked him out of ending his life. i talked him out of cutting. i listened to all his problems.. 

and how does he thank me?

he abused me. he knew i had a boyfriend. (who i love dearly.) he knew i didn't want him touching me. he knew i would only be a temporary person in his life. he knew i was already almost broken. and he knew just how to break me. 

now everyday i sit in fear. hoping no one tries hugging me. praying i'll be able to find strength on my own. 

all i need right now is to be held by zach. the only person i want telling me they love me. i just need him to take me in his arms and save me. take me away from everything that hurts. and tell me everything will be okay. 

but because of "him" i'm afraid of my own boyfriend hugging me. terrified of him kissing me. scared of him holding my hand. frightened he'll hurt me too.. 

because of him. i struggle just to make it through another day..