should you be judged by the music you listen to?

basshunter. breaking benjamin. black veil brides. asking alexandria. my chemical romance. evanescence. all american rejects. greenday. linkin park. he is we. adam lambert. the ready set. stephen jerzak. danny noriega. avril lavinge. black eyed peas. boys like girls. britany spears. cascada. chris crocker.far east movement. good charlotte. katy perry. owl city. kesha. 3oh!3. kelly clarkson. pink. the script. skillet. dance gavin dance. rising neptune. 




these are just a few groups/singers i listen to. but they aren't all the same type. so should you judge because i listen to screamo? or because i listen to love songs? NO. music is a way to express yourself. and no one should ever be judged by it.

a few of myself..

just a few pictures of my current obsession: andrew dennis biersack. more commonly known as andy six.

it's all an act.

let me start off by saying i know i have problems. i've known this for a while. but i'm trying to get help now..

so i've started talking to my counselor every week. at least twice a week. and so far i'm not really getting anywhere. but that's irrelevant. most of the time we talk about abuse. and the different types of abuse that i've been through.

most recently. we've been discussing sexual abuse. mostly because it's "haunting" me so to speak. i am constantly hurting because of it. and today my counselor called my mom and told her that i was sexually abused. but i hadn't told my mom yet. even though it happened over two weeks ago..

my mom doesn't believe me. she thinks i just made up a story about "blowhead" (as i call him. haha i have code names for everyone i hate.) and she thinks that it's just a cry for attention. which it isn't. but i do want her to realize that i do need help.

anyways.. now i'm grounded until the end of the school year. no ipod. no internet/limited internet. limited texting. (maybe no texting at all.) and worst part. NO TUMBLR. agh.

blah so this blog was totally short. and not very detailed because i had to rush before the internet was turned off. and yea..

u don't have to answer this........ but who sexually absused u? jw

i will answer you. just not on here. ask me in person or on facebook. though it's probably not too difficult to figure out who he is..

imperfect is the new perfect..

in the quiet moments alone.

i can still hear his voice.. 
..i can feel his arms around me. 

squeezing me tightly. every time i try to escape his grip he just holds me tighter and closer. 

i can feel him as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. i feel his breath on neck as he kisses it. he slowly moving up to kiss my head. 

he stops. and i think to myself "maybe he'll finally let go. and leave me alone."

but i'm wrong. he rests his head on mine. pulls me closer to his body. i struggle to get out of his arms. but it's no use. i'm trapped..

for minutes we just stand there. i'm unable to move because he's holding me so tightly. then slowly he loosens his grip a bit. he cocks his head at an angle and kisses my neck again. 

over and over he touches me. up and down my neck he kisses and bites it. i feel his harsh breath close to my ear. 

"i love you." he whispers. i hear myself scream "no. i hate you." 

he holds me closer again. the more i fight to get out of arms the tighter he holds me. 

i continually shake my head. yelling "no. let go of me. please. leave me alone. i hate you." 

his words haunt me.. i love you..

my eyes are squeezed tight. on the verge of tears. i can feel myself shaking. terrified of what he'll do next. 

at last he let's go. and walks away..

leaving me afraid. alone. and broken. 

because of him. i am scared of hugs. kisses. anytime someone touches me i lash out. even just a simple tap on the shoulder. anytime someone touches me i have a flashback. 

i hate him. he broke me. he's the reason i live in terror everyday. he's put me in this situation. 

why did this happen to me? i was only trying to help him. instead now i'm the one who needs help.. 

he came to me. suicidal. depressed. needing a friend. even though i never really wanted to be his friend. i helped him. i couldn't let someone in so much need be alone. 

i talked to him at night when he felt like his world was falling apart. i talked him out of ending his life. i talked him out of cutting. i listened to all his problems.. 

and how does he thank me?

he abused me. he knew i had a boyfriend. (who i love dearly.) he knew i didn't want him touching me. he knew i would only be a temporary person in his life. he knew i was already almost broken. and he knew just how to break me. 

now everyday i sit in fear. hoping no one tries hugging me. praying i'll be able to find strength on my own. 

all i need right now is to be held by zach. the only person i want telling me they love me. i just need him to take me in his arms and save me. take me away from everything that hurts. and tell me everything will be okay. 

but because of "him" i'm afraid of my own boyfriend hugging me. terrified of him kissing me. scared of him holding my hand. frightened he'll hurt me too.. 

because of him. i struggle just to make it through another day..

do you blame me for feeling this way?

it's literally consuming my life. i can't think about anything else besides for it. even though it hurts more when i think about it. 

and when there are quiet moments alone i can still feel his arms around me. feel him kissing my neck. hear him telling me he loves me. and i can hear myself saying over and over "no." shaken my head and trying to escape his tight grip. 

that's what is constantly going through my head.. i torture myself by thinking about that moment. but i can't help it. it scarred me. and i'm desperately trying to find a way to fix myself. no matter what i do the pain never goes away.

i can't help but think "why me?" i don't understand what i ever did to deserve such an awful thing to happen to me. i don't understand why after everything awful this year. that this happened to me. 

i wonder.. is there hope? because at this point in time.. after the series of unfortunate events that i've experienced. what is left for this world to offer to me? 

because i'm honestly starting to think only bad things are ever going to happen to me. but do you blame me? i mean this entire school year has been one tragic event after another..

so far this year.. 

i've dealt with one of my closest friends going crazy and living in a fantasy world. she still is. now i'm slowly pushing her away because i can't deal with her insanity. along with that situation she keeps trying to be there for me. but at the same time only talks about her minor insignificant problems. or talks about how her and zach used to be..

i was lied to by my boyfriend. (well technically exboytoy now.) and it wasn't a little lie. it was about something very big and important. that one little lie caused many other problems. and made us fight nonstop for a good month. eventually ruining christmas for me. and i could ramble on about this specific topic. but i will stop myself..

now we get into the real problems.. someone who i've had issues with for awhile threatened me in school. and she's one of those people who ALWAYS plays the "victim card" and somehow ended turning the table on me. which got me suspended for three days. and i still have to avoid her at school. to this day i still start shaking when i think about it too much. this girl and that fight really caused emotional damage to me. and things started spiraling out of control after this.

bad event number four of the year. my uncle mark. (who i was extremely close with. he was practically a dad to me.) died from pancreatic cancer. after a long two years of battling with it. 

which now brings me to last week. the situation that is consuming my life.. after being stalked on and off for several months by a senior at my school. he SEXUALLY HARASSED/ABUSED me. worst part of it is he won't leave me alone. he's acting like nothing happened. and that we can still be friends. no wait the actual worst part is that because of him i am afraid of any human contact. i freakout when anyone tries to hug me. or even just taps my shoulder to get my attention. all i need right now is to be held closely by my boyfriend. but i know if he does it will only make me feel uncomfortable..

so tell me.. if all of that happened to you in just a few months. all overlapping each other. would you feel broken? would you feel hopeless? and like it seems like nothing good ever happens to me? would you blame me? 

i need help. because my life is breaking me. i'm so torn up by the pain that i'm incapable of thinking about anything else. 

my grades are quickly falling because at school i don't feel safe. and i don't do my homework because i'm either crying. cutting. burning. or trying to find some other way of taking away the pain. because whenever i try thinking about anything else. after only a few minutes my mind wanders back to the pain. it's so strong that it's taking over everything. 

i want to escape. get away from everything in my life. but i can't seem to find a way. so i wake up everyday. force a smile. and somehow find strength to make it through another day..