behind the doors.

"you don't have it that bad"


i hate when people say that. they think i live a perfect life. when in reality i'm just amazing at faking a smile. it's scares me how good i've gotten at putting a smile on my face every morning and walking out the door like nothings wrong.


in reality i go home everyday to an abusive house. where my dad is an alcoholic and beats me. in a house where my mother smokes constantly never caring that i am allergic to smoke and can barely breathe. i live in a house where i have taken over the role of a mom to my two younger sisters. in a house where my word means nothing. whatever i say is assumed a lie. everyday i go home to a "family" that mental and emotionally abuses me. where i am told by my own mother that i should kill myself. because nobody would care. i am told on a daily basis that i pretty much fail at life. and my parents regret my existence.


everyday i have to live with the pain of knowing my family isn't really a family. i have known this for a quite a while now. i go to school and see yet another abuser in the halls. i see is face to try not to cry. i still can't be hugged without having flashbacks. i still don't trust people much because of him.


and everyday people see my smile and assume i'm alright. they don't question. they don't know what goes on behind the doors of my house. i cut them out from my mind. and don't know how i struggle almost everyday just to continue on living. 


i don't want to die. but i don't want to live either. 


so here i am. sitting in my basement. covered in new bruises from my father. covered in scars and cuts i've inflicted on myself to try to cope. coughing because there is no fresh air to breathe. tears cover my face because i've held on for so long. 


back to my beginning thought "you don't have it that bad" yes granted i do have parents and a house to live in. but in reality i'd rather be without those. because (not to pity myself) but yes i do have it bad. i live in fear every day. and have been abused in every way. i have it bad. you just don't realize i hide it all and pretend like nothings wrong. because it's easier. easier than telling people what's wrong just to have them say you don't have it that fucking bad. 


i need help. but no one ever sees through that fake smile of mine. no one ever notices me quickly falling apart. one day someone will. one day i'll be saved. 


one day..